My fellow citizens,it is an honor and a pleasure to be here today.
My opponent has openly admitted he feels an affinity toward your city, but I happen to like this area. It might be a salubrious place to him, but to me it is one the nation's most delightful garden spots.
When I embarked on this political campaign, I hoped that it could be conducted on a high level and that my opponent would be willing to stick to the issues. Unfortunately, he has decided to be tractable instead -- to indulge in unequivocal language, to eschew the use of outright lies in his speeches the use of out right lies in his speeches. and even to makerepeated veracious statements about me.
At first I tried to ignore these scrupulous, unvarnished fideleties. Now I will no longer do so. If my opponent wants a fight he'll get one!
It might be instructive to start with his background. My friends, have you ever dislodged a rock on the ground and seen what was underneath? Well exploring my opponent's background is dissimilar. All slime and filth and corruption you can possibly imagine, even in your wildest dreams are glaringly nonexistant in this man's life. And even during his chilhood.
Let us take a very quick look at that childhood: It is a known fact that, on a number of occasions, he emulated older boys at a certain playground. It is also known that his parents not only permitted him to masticate excessively in their prescence, but even urged him to do so.
Most explicable of all, this man who poses as a paragon of virtue exacerbated his own sister when they were both teenagers!
I ask you my fellow Americans: is this the kind of person we want in public office to set an example for our youth?
Of course it's not surprising that he should have such a typically pristine background - no, not when you consider the other members of his family:
His female relatives put a constant pose of purity and innocence, and claimthey are inscrutable, yet every one of them has taken part hortatory activities.
The men in the family are like wise amenable to moral suasion.
My opponents second cousin is a Mormon.
His uncle is a flagrant heterosexual. His sister, whohas always been obsessed by sects, once worked as a proselyte outside a church.
His father was secretly chagrined at least a dozen times by matters of a pecuniary nature.
His youngest brother wrote an essay on extolling the virtues of being a homo sapien.
His great-aunt expired from a degenerative disease.
His nephew subscribes to phonographic magazines.
His wife was a thespian before their marriage and even performe the act in front of paying customers.
And his own mother had to resign from a woman's organization in her later years because she was an admitted sexagenarian.
Now what shall we say about the man himself?
I can tell you in solemn truth that he is the very antithesis of political radicalism, economic irresponsibility and personal depravity. His own record proves that he has frequently discountenanced treasonable, un-American philosophies and has perpetrated many overt acts as well.
He has preambulated his infant son on the street.
He practiced nepotism with his uncle and firstv cousin.
He attempted to interest a 13 year old girl in philately.
He participated in a seance at a private residence where, among other odd goings on, there was icense.
He declared himself in favor of homogeneity on college campuses.
He has advocated social intercourse in mixed company - and has takenpart in such gatherings himself.
He is delibrately averse to crime in the streets.
He has urged our Protestant and Jewish citizens to develope more catholic tastes.
Last year he committed a piscatorial act on a boat that was flying an American flag.
Finally, at a time when we must be on our guard against all foreignisms, he has cooly announced his belief in altruism - and his fervent hope that some day this entire nation will be altruistic!
I beg you, my friends, to oppose this man whose life and work and ideas are so openly and avowedly compatible with our American way of life. A vote for him would be a vote for the perpetuation of everything we hold dear.
The facts are clear; the record speaks for itself. Do your duty.
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